Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses

Last edited by Lito on Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

Hi Everyone,
In this thread, I'll present typical real-world confrontational scenarios (posting and addressing them one at a time), then put up a good response followed by a not-so-good one. Afterwards, It would be cool to read others' good/bad responses to the given scenario and take it from there. Alright, with that said...

Scenario #1:
You're at a restaurant (or bar or night club; pick a place) and a guy (let's call him "Steve") notices/perceives you looking at his wife (or girlfriend) in a salacious way. Steve then aggressively walks up to you, confronts you, looks you in the eyes and asks you, "Hey dude, whatcha lookin' at? You fuckin' checkin' out my girl?" etc, etc...

Good Response: (Done with the correspondingly appropriate body language and vocal inflections AND inconspicuous Fence, of course.)
"Hey man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or your girl. She looks like someone I went to high school with and haven't seen in a long, long time." And so on...

Bad Response: (Done with the correspondingly aggressive body language and vocal inflections.)
"Yeah, I was! What's it to ya? You wanna make something of it?" Another thing that could be said to make things even worse would be "I'd tap that sh*t in a heartbeat!" And so on...

In the first (good) response, I apologize (a simple, significant thing to do to deescalate a situation) and respectfully deflect his perception with a reasonable explanation (a good, inoffensive re-directional strategy).

In the second (bad) response, I aggressively confirm what he observed/perceived and challenge him. And adding insult to injury, saying "I'd tap that..." would compounds matters even worse. Anyway, all three are big no-nos! I didn't give Steve an honorable way out and instead put his back against the wall so to speak. Unless he's a complete wuss (which isn't likely as he instigated the confrontation in the first place), he's most likely gonna meet your challenge and one-up you, escalating the situation to a place it didn't have to go to (unless you're purposely looking for a fight).

Okay, other responses anyone? I'm interested in reading others' thoughts...

Take Care,
Lito
_________________
The essence of true love is purposeful effort.

True happiness is attained through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

Winners take chances and perceive pressure as a privilege.

Whatever you believe, it's true.

Good reply
Sorry man, it's actually you was I looking at, I'm sure that I know you, didn't you play sport for/work for/ study at etc.

Thus putting all of the attention on him, flattering him a little and removing his lady entirely from the equation so he has no need to puff out his chest and play mighty protector just pat himself on the back as the type of guy people remember.

Bad reply
Are you joking man, her parents must be paying you to take her out, now put her leash on and piss off.

Wrong for all the obvious reasons.

Alan

Joined : 15 Aug 2007 Posts : 35

I liked both Alan and Lito's good responses. I'd take both of them. Especially the 'sorry' - so difficult to do if you are led by your ego.

Bad response

(looking down at your shuffling feet and talking in a mousy voice) errm, look, I didn't mean it, please, erm, can't you just leave me alone.

Even worse response

Dam man, I wasn't looking at that gronk. I was looking at you - you've got a fine arse. Are you a pitcher or a catcher? Do you take it up the Gary*? You sure do have a perty mouth boy..........

Subject: Re: Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:06 pm

hey guys I've just finished a rather lengthy article on deescalation (submitted to Blitz MA mag for publishing.)

heres an extract discussing TACOS. I use these as a basic de-escalation guide,

-------------------------
Avoiding Escalation with TACOS

TACOS is an anagram for the 5 golden “do not’s” of de-escalation they are based on Richard Dimitri’s Senshido golden rules of de-escalation:

If your goal is to de-escalate then do not:
• Threaten the aggressor.
• Argue or contradict the aggressor.
• Challenge the aggressor
• Order or command the aggressor
• Shame or disrespect the aggressor

Any one of these things can, and likely will, lead to an escalation in the aggressor’s level of aggression.

Do not Threaten the aggressor. For example don’t give the assailant an ultimatum. In our scenario the victim made the mistake of returning the shove and saying: “… XXXX off or I’ll give you something real to think about”. This gives the aggressor what he wants, a reason to strike the victim. When faced with a threat, people will either fight or flee, fleeing isn’t going to be an option for the aggressor, he wants to fight. Even if he didn’t he can’t be seen by is peers as fleeing, he is most likely trying to prove something to himself or his friends. Try to avoid saying anything which resembles “if you do/don’t (X), I will (Y)” where (Y) is an unpleasant experience.

Do not Argue with the aggressor. Avoid directly contradicting what the aggressor is saying or accusing you of. Our victim immediately denied that he was looking at anything at all. This is exactly the response the aggressor was after, now he could accuse the victim of the greater crime of “calling him a liar”. Even if the aggressor isn’t specifically looking to escalate the situation, telling him he is wrong is something an aggressive person doesn’t want to hear, no one does, but for someone who already has a raised level of aggression, it simply results in more aggression. Once aggression takes hold rationality tends to diminish. Disagreeing is taken as an insult which the aggressor then feels they need to defend, usually by applying more aggression.

Do not Challenge the aggressor. Our scenario doesn’t have an example of challenging, but a challenge is where the victim dares the aggressor to carryout a threat or to do some other act. For example, if you utter the phrase, “what are you going to do about it”, you are in essence, challenging the aggressor. A challenge can be issued in other ways as well, such as the stare down, a come on gesture or finger pointing. Remember body language is responsible for between 80 to 90% of the communication process. Your gestures, posture and expressions can communicate a challenge as well; indeed all TACOS can be expressed without words. (More on body language later)

Do not Order or command the aggressor. It’s one of the most common mistakes made by all inexperienced de-escalators and is often made by the more experienced as well. That’s because it is so natural to tell someone who is being aggressive to “calm down”, or to “relax”, and almost every time the aggressor will respond with “I AM calm, don’t tell me to calm down” or something similar and usually a little more colourful. We can see this in our scenario, the victim is just trying to calm the aggressor, but none the less, he is issuing a command. No one wants to be told they are out of control, but that is exactly what you are telling the aggressor when you issue the command to calm down. Not only that, salt is rubbed into the wound because he has to be ordered to do it.

Do not Shame or disrespect the aggressor. As tempting as it is, try not to call the aggressor names, put down, insult or imply that he is lacking or less worthy in any way. Chances are he is lacking in self-confidence and probably his self-respect is waning as well, this is why he is being aggressive towards you. A predatory aggressor, like a bully is trying to boost his own ego. Someone using aggression out of desperation will have already failed to solve the problem in other ways; he already has a diminished sense of worth. Regardless of the reason for their aggression, shaming the aggressor will only inflame the situation. Can you see where the victim in our scenario insulted the aggressor?

TACOS are simply things not to do if de-escalation of aggression is your goal. If you reverse the application you can see how predatory aggressors utilise TACOS to escalate aggression to verbal violence and physical violence. So what should we do?
I’ll cover some tactics and strategy a little later on, but one simple tactic, in terms of TACOS, is to do the opposite of what you shouldn’t do, without compromising yourself and your beliefs.

If someone accuses you of an indiscretion, the TACOS rules tell us not to deny it, but this doesn’t mean we should admit to something we didn’t do. Instead we can provide a “viable alternative” where what he claims could have been true along with a viable explanation. Using our previous scenario as an example, the victim could have apologised if he was looking at him and give a viable alternative as to why he could have been.
For example:
Aggressor: “What are you looking at, mate”
Victim: “ Am I doing that again, Sorry if I was staring at you mate, I’ve had a lot on my mind and have been daydreaming a lot lately, others have told me I tend to stare when I’m like this. Hey man I know it cheeses me off when some guy eyeballs me from across the room, sorry mate, I’ll try to snap out of it and enjoy myself”

Now this may be a bit long winded, it depends on the circumstance and the environment, but you can see the idea. Our victim didn’t deny looking at the aggressor, but neither did he lie and say that he was. Instead he provided a viable alternative to explain why he could have been looking at the aggressor.

In short instead of Threatening the aggressor you could compliment him. Instead of Arguing with him provide a viable alternative. Instead of Challenging him, acknowledge his ability to carry out his action. Don’t Order him, instead lead or guide him. Always show the aggressor respect instead of Shaming him (this last one is a big one). One thing to remember is that every circumstance is different. Just like physical combat there are no hard and fast rules. Consider the above, indeed the entire article, as a general guide, you will need to adapt your tactics and responses according to the specific situation and circumstances that you find your self in.

-----------

Later .

With Honour in Bushido
Drew
http://www.toowoombaselfdefence.websyte.com.au/

Subject: Re: Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:28 pm

In my work if i am dealing with aggression then i was trained to take the aggression out of the situation by being and it usually de-escalates.

Subject: Re: Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses Sun Aug 17, 2008 6:16 pm

Hi Gents,
Great responses for scenario #1 guys, thanks. Your bad responses had me cracking up real good! lol!

Those would surely tee someone off big time or, at least, make him poop his pants with laughter. Laughing

Before I go on with scenario #2, I wanna give a shout out to Drew. Thanks buddy for sharing your article with us. I really like the acronym you made out of Rich's golden rules. Great stuff! Hope you don't mind if I use it in my teachings. I'll be sure to give you and Rich credit. Anyway...

Scenario #2:
You're in a movie theater watching a movie with your wife/girlfriend and/or kids and there's a group of four guys and three gals sitting behind you talking, kicking the backs of your seats, and putting their feet up on the seats right next to your head. How do you handle the situation? What would you do?

Good Response:
You and your girl/family simply get up and move to another set of seats away from the disrespectful imbeciles. While in the process of doing so, you could also notify the management about the rowdy group's behaviors.

Now, prior to taking the aforementioned actions, you can try to curtail their behaviors by politely asking them to stop in a calm and firm manner (with correspondingly self-assured eye contact). For example, "Could you please..." Now, if you are dealing with just two or three people, this may work. However, with bigger groups, the "strength/security-in-numbers" rat-pack mentality and the ego factor of looking "cool" and unaffected will often make those kind of attempts futile, and in fact, likely escalate the situation.

Don't ever let your ego get in the way of doing the most sensible thing. Ego can insidiously compromise/jeopardize you and your family's safety if you allow it to. In situations like this, definitely think before you act.

Bad Response:
"Hey a**holes, shut the f**k up and knock it off or I'll kick the sh*t out of you guys!

Another bad, immature thing to do, would be to move and sit right behind them, doing the same thing back in return.

Both are bad for obvious reasons; you're violating TACOS.

What are some other good and bad responses?

Take Care,
Lito
_________________
The essence of true love is purposeful effort.

True happiness is attained through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

Winners take chances and perceive pressure as a privilege.

Whatever you believe, it's true.

Well the Good response as you said Lito is to move, that's a given.

A bad response but maybe effective would be to say nothing but turn round lokk each one in the eye, pick one and knock him and out, then sit back down, dangerous I know but you have lowered the numbers, given them fear (no one wants to be next ) and you have lead the way so you will possibly garner support from other movie goers.

Sometimes action speak louder than words.

Alan

Joined : 15 Aug 2007 Posts : 35

Good Response as per Lito's (d**n man - at least give us some latitude for answering Smile

)

Bad Response 1 - Lean over to your youngest and loudly say 'I'll bet you a fiver that can't knock out the ugly one. No not her (pointing at the ringleaders girl), him!!'

Bad (but strangely attractive) Response 2 - pull out Mr 9mm and say 'which of you bitches wants to dance'

Bad Response 3 - Take the family out to the car, fetch your trusty pickaxe handle, pop back inside and go postal on everyone in there.

Dik

Subject: Re: Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:55 pm

Admin Joined : 13 Aug 2007 Posts : 177

Scenario #2:
You're in a movie theater watching a movie with your wife/girlfriend and/or kids and there's a group of four guys and three gals sitting behind you talking, kicking the backs of your seats, and putting their feet up on the seats right next to your head. How do you handle the situation? What would you do?

Actually happened to me about a year ago. Went to see the horror film 1408 and a group of highschoolers were behind me and my girfriend and felt the need to laugh and narrarate throughout the entire film. I ended up just turning around and with a firm voice said, "Can you please be quiet?"

They apologized and that was that. Although I do admit that it could have easily gone the other way, but I wouldn't have felt comfortable moving without saying something first.

Subject: Re: Verbal Deescalation: Scenarios & Responses Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:13 pm

bad response# if you put your trainer on that seat again im going to nail it to your head. Or if one is wearing a hat you could nail that to his head.